A Battle Of Wills! And, No One Wins!

When We Begin A Battle of Wills … No One Wins!

Because we all have so many flaws when we start a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong, no one is ever going to win. I thought I would share with you this series of e-mails I exchanged with a couple this week. Perhaps we can all see ourselves in this struggle and learn. Would love to get your feedback on what you would do if you were either or both of these folks? The names have been changed to protect the privacy of this couple.

The first e-mail dropping out of our Sunday night webinar series …

We are not going to continue with this series due to serious, irreparable marital differences. Thanks.

Regards,

Janie

My initial reply copying both of them …

Just re-read this again this morning and was struck by something … there is no such thing as irreparable marital differences. A couple of scriptures I thought you might mull over at this time would be;

1.       Luke 6:41-42

2.       Proverbs 16:7

3.       Isaiah 1:18-20

And, just yesterday, Kevin Edelbrock spoke at River Pointe Church about a couple with “irreparable marital differences” including infidelity and how God restored their marriage. You might check out the podcast at www.riverpointe.org.

Janie, I have been teaching Divorce Care for quite some time now, my wife is a marriage counselor and we work with marriages all the way from pre-marrieds to divorced. I can tell you that people think that the easiest route when things get tough is to just give up and start all over again. Nothing could be further from the truth. When the dust settles and everything is all over, usually a couple of years to heal properly, then you will still be you and he will still be himself and you will still need to fix whatever caused all of this or you are destined to repeat it all over again with someone else. Besides there is always some loss, on both parties, of personal integrity, trust worthiness and character, that has to be rebuilt and that can take a lifetime to get back. Trust me, it is easier to do that with the devil you know (in both of you) than the devil you don’t know in someone else down the road.

Just my .02 from working with hundreds of couples and being divorced twice before being with Christie for 24 years …

Again, glad to help in any way!

BTW … any kids?

Jim Jacobus

He shares his point of view …

Jim,

Thank you for your concern, the verses and prayer. We have a lot of issues around trust, but infidelity is not a factor.

It is mostly trying to blend our families Laurie and her son(25yo) and Me and my children daughter (17yo) and son(12yo). I have struggled with prioritizing my children and my marriage. I am very conflicted on this issue. I really struggle putting anything or anyone above my children other than God…and I have made some bad choices around leaving un announced in the past. I did move out on Friday evening after a face-to face discussion with Janie and stayed in a hotel, then on Saturday decided to move back in with my ex & children and am sleeping on the sofa, (a house that I am paying for)…it may not have been the best choice but it was what i could afford…

We also have severe money issues that have created a lot of resentment on both sides as well…this is obviously my .02 and mine alone….I love Laurie very much I just don’t see a way to make this work together…and we are doinng the same things over and over…

Janie can obviously speak for herself.

Thank you again for reaching out and caring.

Kind regards,

Rick

Her point of view …

I would agree with your assessment of the issues that we are facing.Rick recently outlined his priorities as: 1) His job since that’s how he provides for his children, 2) His children, 3) God, 4) Our marriage. I fully believe that God is at the center of everything. I also feel that a couple has to prioritize the marriage with a commitment to do the right thing for the children. My opinion is that children need to see what a healthy marriage looks like in order to grow into healthy adults capable of having healthy relationships. By putting the children ahead of the marriage, I feel that it sends an invitation to the kids to manipulate and it makes me feel undervalued. Rick’s children have been resistant to the marriage, so he spends at least 2 evenings/week with the kids without me. I am all for spending one-on-one time with children, but to push me out feels like sending a signal to the kids that I’m not worthy.

I do not want a divorce. I do love my husband. I feel that we need to go to church regularly and our marriage to be 2nd to God and let the children know that we will always provide and care for them. But all 3 children should be expected to be respectful to both of us and our home. The issues are not financial per se, it is about the fact that I feel a total lack of commitment to our household. If the kids living arrangements change, then the support needs to be in the residence where they live. And whether they come to live with us or merely continue to visit then they should be expected to help with meals, pick up after themselves, and take care of our home. And I cannot be in a marriage where I wonder if my husband is living with me or his ex-wife.

Good news? They both love each other, want to stay together and have some sense that God can help. Bad news? They have spiraled into a battle of wills and proving each other wrong. Following is my last e-mail to them.

Thanks for both of your e-mails and for the information you took time to share it with me. Without getting into the specifics, we can do that and I do think it would be very productive, there are a couple of fundamentals that we can look to right now that might help.

1.       The priorities in a successful marriage do have to be God, spouse, family, work and then whatever else is important to you in life. Anything other than that priority and it simply won’t work. I can understand the myriad of reasons why kids, especially in a blended family (although we see these same issues in non-blended families as well), can wind up being the priority before our spouse but it simply does not work that way. Getting this straight will “fix” a lot of the other challenges you have listed in both of your e-mails.

2.       I would encourage you to both read, understand and take 100% hold of Luke 6:41-42. Another way of putting the “plank” concept is to clean up your side of the street and stop trying to tell the other person how to clean up their side of the street. I am not suggesting that there isn’t room for input into each others stuff. What I can easily see is that you both could spend significant energy cleaning up your own stuff first and then see what is left to help the other one with. Marriage isn’t about what you can do for me and what you aren’t doing for me. Marriage is about being a joyful servant/partner to each other. Read Ephesians 5:21-26 and note that it doesn’t talk about do this if he or do this if she … it simply says do this for Jesus sake. A major turning point in our marriage was when I stopped being so critical of Christie, out of my own insecurities, and started looking at what I needed to do to become the man God created me to be. You both have very legitimate issues with the other that need to be dealt with … start by taking a long look in the mirror first! Don’t stop looking until God is pleased with what you see.

3.       Start praying with each other and for each other. Specifically pray for

a.       Peace – that God would grant you both and your household with a peace that can only come from him!

b.      Wisdom – ask God for wisdom about every decision that has to be made. Ask for wisdom about every one of the challenges you guys have shared with me. Ask for wisdom in how to be the man and woman that each other deserves in each other. Ask for wisdom in choosing the words that come out of your mouths. Ask for wisdom in how to create a relationship that will be an amazing light to all around you who see you together, including and especially your children! If you both love them as much as you say you do then ask God for wisdom in what you show them about life, love and marriage!

c.       Grace – towards each other. Ask for God’s grace in your lives as you both navigate these problems in your own lives and in your marriage. Instead of anger and bitterness and condemnation ask God to give you spirits of humility, born out of your own brokenness and sinfulness, toward each other in every circumstance.

d.      It will be hard to pray with each other so if need be just agree to sit together in silence while you pray for each other and your marriage but do it together. Then as you go through your day then take time to pray individually. Your prayers are a symbol of your need for someone bigger than you to intervene. Do it consistently and I promise God will show up in powerful ways!

4.       Take divorce and the threats of divorce off the table. It is an easy way to run from the problems you are both going to have to fix anyway to have the life God intends and it is wrong on about a dozen other levels. Sorry Larry, hate to single you out on this one, but stop leaving when things get tough. As long as there is no physical danger to either of you it is a bad choice and teaches the kids you are so dedicated to how they can solve their problems in the future. Sleep in separate rooms, on the couch, whatever you need to do but stop the pattern of running. And Laurie, my guess is you have your own version of quitting so whatever that is, stop that as well. Both of you need to learn to stop escalating the problems to a point where leaving and quitting and divorce sound like the only way out. Take quitting off the table and a lot of other options will begin to present themselves!

Blessings! Hope this helps …

Thank you both for your willingness to share with me what is going on and for being willing to listen. I know that God has something amazing and extraordinary in store for both of you, individually and as a married couple, the question is are you willing to submit to his authority in your lives. Seems like as messed up as it is, trying things his way should sound like a good alternative! That’s what it took for me!

What do you guys think?

Jim Jacobus, CSP