Divorce Care – Surviving the Holidays at River Pointe Church!

For the last couple of years I have had the great privilege of leading the Divorce Care program at River Pointe Church. To say the least it has been an awesome blessing for me in so many ways. I have had the opportunity to watch as God does amazing transformational and healing work in the lives of men and women who have been devastated by divorce. I have also been blessed as God has use these incredible friends to call me to a higher place in my own marriage.

One of the specific challenges that divorce presents people is how difficult it is getting through the holidays! Whether you are just beginning the process of getting a divorce or if you have been divorced for 10 years the struggles are still there …

• What do we do with the kids?
• How about our friends?
• What about the parties I am invited to?
• What do I do about gifts since my finances are being stretched?
• How do I act around my family? My exes family?
• What do I do about my loneliness?

The holidays and all of the memories associated with them in our marriage can cause a flood of overwhelming emotions and questions we may not have the answers to. With that in mind we invite you to join us for a special event “Divorce Care – Surviving the Holidays” this Saturday, December 3rd, 2011 to have these questions, and many more, answered. This will be a great time of learning, sharing and supporting each other in preparation for the season ahead.

As an added bonus … we will also be hosting, at the same time, a Divorce Care for Kids Holiday Program as well aimed at helping our children deal with their own set of questions and challenges that divorce leaves them with.

So, we encourage you to do a couple of things: 1) Sign up and come join us! 2) Bring your kids! 3) Bring a friend who may also be facing these challenges alone! And 4) Pray for this event!If you have any questions please feel free to call River Pointe Church at 281-272-6767 or Jim Jacobus @ 281-937-9911 or e-mail jim@tentenministries.com.

Details are below … we hope to see you!

1. Time: 9am to 12 noon
2. Place River Pointe Church – directions at www.riverpointe.org
3. We will be in Hut1 – if you are in the parking lot looking at the church itself the Huts are the two buildings on the far right hand side, or west end, of the campus
4. Our program will be the materials provided by the great guys at Divorce Care titled “Divorce Care – Surviving the Holidays”. This is a great curriculum aimed at the specific challenges the holidays present for folks dealing with any and every phase of divorce.
5. The children’s program will be similar to the adult program.
6. We will be serving a light breakfast and providing refreshments.
7. You can register at www.riverpointe.org – hit the Events button at the top of the page and then select the “Divorce Care – Surviving the Holidays” program button from the drop down menu.

Jim Jacobus

We have updated and upgraded our recording capabilities!

Not exactly to the standard in the picture you see here but we are trying to do a little better. So we have invested in some software that will allow us to publish the webinar recordings in a little better format! Many of you have shared with us that you have had trouble playing back the recordings or that you weren’t able to view them at all. We hope that has been fixed by going to this new software.

So, if you are one of the folks on our “Marriage Matters Webinar Series”, or even if you have never been with us before, then please go to the recordings page and view either the Week 7 recording about personality styles and marriage or the Week 8 recording on scriptures we can lean on in our marriages and let us know what you think of the new setup! If it works for you then we will go back and convert all of the recordings!

So Click Here to check it out and let us know what you think!

Blessings!

Jim & Christie Jacobus

When We Begin A Battle of Wills … No One Wins!

Because we all have so many flaws when we start a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong, no one is ever going to win. I thought I would share with you this series of e-mails I exchanged with a couple this week. Perhaps we can all see ourselves in this struggle and learn. Would love to get your feedback on what you would do if you were either or both of these folks? The names have been changed to protect the privacy of this couple.

The first e-mail dropping out of our Sunday night webinar series …

We are not going to continue with this series due to serious, irreparable marital differences. Thanks.

Regards,

Janie

My initial reply copying both of them …

Just re-read this again this morning and was struck by something … there is no such thing as irreparable marital differences. A couple of scriptures I thought you might mull over at this time would be;

1.       Luke 6:41-42

2.       Proverbs 16:7

3.       Isaiah 1:18-20

And, just yesterday, Kevin Edelbrock spoke at River Pointe Church about a couple with “irreparable marital differences” including infidelity and how God restored their marriage. You might check out the podcast at www.riverpointe.org.

Janie, I have been teaching Divorce Care for quite some time now, my wife is a marriage counselor and we work with marriages all the way from pre-marrieds to divorced. I can tell you that people think that the easiest route when things get tough is to just give up and start all over again. Nothing could be further from the truth. When the dust settles and everything is all over, usually a couple of years to heal properly, then you will still be you and he will still be himself and you will still need to fix whatever caused all of this or you are destined to repeat it all over again with someone else. Besides there is always some loss, on both parties, of personal integrity, trust worthiness and character, that has to be rebuilt and that can take a lifetime to get back. Trust me, it is easier to do that with the devil you know (in both of you) than the devil you don’t know in someone else down the road.

Just my .02 from working with hundreds of couples and being divorced twice before being with Christie for 24 years …

Again, glad to help in any way!

BTW … any kids?

Jim Jacobus

He shares his point of view …

Jim,

Thank you for your concern, the verses and prayer. We have a lot of issues around trust, but infidelity is not a factor.

It is mostly trying to blend our families Laurie and her son(25yo) and Me and my children daughter (17yo) and son(12yo). I have struggled with prioritizing my children and my marriage. I am very conflicted on this issue. I really struggle putting anything or anyone above my children other than God…and I have made some bad choices around leaving un announced in the past. I did move out on Friday evening after a face-to face discussion with Janie and stayed in a hotel, then on Saturday decided to move back in with my ex & children and am sleeping on the sofa, (a house that I am paying for)…it may not have been the best choice but it was what i could afford…

We also have severe money issues that have created a lot of resentment on both sides as well…this is obviously my .02 and mine alone….I love Laurie very much I just don’t see a way to make this work together…and we are doinng the same things over and over…

Janie can obviously speak for herself.

Thank you again for reaching out and caring.

Kind regards,

Rick

Her point of view …

I would agree with your assessment of the issues that we are facing.Rick recently outlined his priorities as: 1) His job since that’s how he provides for his children, 2) His children, 3) God, 4) Our marriage. I fully believe that God is at the center of everything. I also feel that a couple has to prioritize the marriage with a commitment to do the right thing for the children. My opinion is that children need to see what a healthy marriage looks like in order to grow into healthy adults capable of having healthy relationships. By putting the children ahead of the marriage, I feel that it sends an invitation to the kids to manipulate and it makes me feel undervalued. Rick’s children have been resistant to the marriage, so he spends at least 2 evenings/week with the kids without me. I am all for spending one-on-one time with children, but to push me out feels like sending a signal to the kids that I’m not worthy.

I do not want a divorce. I do love my husband. I feel that we need to go to church regularly and our marriage to be 2nd to God and let the children know that we will always provide and care for them. But all 3 children should be expected to be respectful to both of us and our home. The issues are not financial per se, it is about the fact that I feel a total lack of commitment to our household. If the kids living arrangements change, then the support needs to be in the residence where they live. And whether they come to live with us or merely continue to visit then they should be expected to help with meals, pick up after themselves, and take care of our home. And I cannot be in a marriage where I wonder if my husband is living with me or his ex-wife.

Good news? They both love each other, want to stay together and have some sense that God can help. Bad news? They have spiraled into a battle of wills and proving each other wrong. Following is my last e-mail to them.

Thanks for both of your e-mails and for the information you took time to share it with me. Without getting into the specifics, we can do that and I do think it would be very productive, there are a couple of fundamentals that we can look to right now that might help.

1.       The priorities in a successful marriage do have to be God, spouse, family, work and then whatever else is important to you in life. Anything other than that priority and it simply won’t work. I can understand the myriad of reasons why kids, especially in a blended family (although we see these same issues in non-blended families as well), can wind up being the priority before our spouse but it simply does not work that way. Getting this straight will “fix” a lot of the other challenges you have listed in both of your e-mails.

2.       I would encourage you to both read, understand and take 100% hold of Luke 6:41-42. Another way of putting the “plank” concept is to clean up your side of the street and stop trying to tell the other person how to clean up their side of the street. I am not suggesting that there isn’t room for input into each others stuff. What I can easily see is that you both could spend significant energy cleaning up your own stuff first and then see what is left to help the other one with. Marriage isn’t about what you can do for me and what you aren’t doing for me. Marriage is about being a joyful servant/partner to each other. Read Ephesians 5:21-26 and note that it doesn’t talk about do this if he or do this if she … it simply says do this for Jesus sake. A major turning point in our marriage was when I stopped being so critical of Christie, out of my own insecurities, and started looking at what I needed to do to become the man God created me to be. You both have very legitimate issues with the other that need to be dealt with … start by taking a long look in the mirror first! Don’t stop looking until God is pleased with what you see.

3.       Start praying with each other and for each other. Specifically pray for

a.       Peace – that God would grant you both and your household with a peace that can only come from him!

b.      Wisdom – ask God for wisdom about every decision that has to be made. Ask for wisdom about every one of the challenges you guys have shared with me. Ask for wisdom in how to be the man and woman that each other deserves in each other. Ask for wisdom in choosing the words that come out of your mouths. Ask for wisdom in how to create a relationship that will be an amazing light to all around you who see you together, including and especially your children! If you both love them as much as you say you do then ask God for wisdom in what you show them about life, love and marriage!

c.       Grace – towards each other. Ask for God’s grace in your lives as you both navigate these problems in your own lives and in your marriage. Instead of anger and bitterness and condemnation ask God to give you spirits of humility, born out of your own brokenness and sinfulness, toward each other in every circumstance.

d.      It will be hard to pray with each other so if need be just agree to sit together in silence while you pray for each other and your marriage but do it together. Then as you go through your day then take time to pray individually. Your prayers are a symbol of your need for someone bigger than you to intervene. Do it consistently and I promise God will show up in powerful ways!

4.       Take divorce and the threats of divorce off the table. It is an easy way to run from the problems you are both going to have to fix anyway to have the life God intends and it is wrong on about a dozen other levels. Sorry Larry, hate to single you out on this one, but stop leaving when things get tough. As long as there is no physical danger to either of you it is a bad choice and teaches the kids you are so dedicated to how they can solve their problems in the future. Sleep in separate rooms, on the couch, whatever you need to do but stop the pattern of running. And Laurie, my guess is you have your own version of quitting so whatever that is, stop that as well. Both of you need to learn to stop escalating the problems to a point where leaving and quitting and divorce sound like the only way out. Take quitting off the table and a lot of other options will begin to present themselves!

Blessings! Hope this helps …

Thank you both for your willingness to share with me what is going on and for being willing to listen. I know that God has something amazing and extraordinary in store for both of you, individually and as a married couple, the question is are you willing to submit to his authority in your lives. Seems like as messed up as it is, trying things his way should sound like a good alternative! That’s what it took for me!

What do you guys think?

Jim Jacobus, CSP

Week 5 Marriage Matters Webinar – Money & Marriage!

What married couple hasn’t struggled with money and financial issues? It seems to be “part of the deal” for each couple and can be a source of tremendous conflict or a rallying point! During this week’s webinar we are going to give you a two word cure (and it isn’t Fight Naked) for any and all financial challenges we may ever have as a couple! And, we are going to share some tips we have learned along the way!

Click Here to register for the series. Remember if you can’t make it on Sunday evenings, sign up anyway as we always record the webinar and share it with everyone to watch later!

This week’s “Marriage Matters” webinar was a blast as we now have right at 70 couples signed up. We discussed the expectations we all bring to a marriage and how that “baggage” isn’t necessarily good or bad. As a married couple we have the choice the bring the good from our marriage expectations forward, let go of things that don’t work and create new traditions and legacies we want in our marriages!

Bottom line – we can create positive and fulfilling expectations the wat we want them to be, not what our parents, friends or current culture put on us! Click Here to check out the webinar recording.

Click Here to register for the series. Remember if you can’t make it on Sunday evenings, sign up anyway as we always record the webinar and share it with everyone to watch later!

Jim & Christie Jacobus

My dad always cut the yard in counterclockwise squares! My mom always cooked the roast with potatoes and carrots! On Saturdays we always went to Dairy Queen after church! We always go to my grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving! Yada, yada, yada yada!

To say the least we all bring a lot of “junk” or baggage into a marriage! We grow up doing and seeing and experiencing a lot of things in life differently! We call that coming into the marriage with a lot of junk or baggage. Truth is some of it is good and you will want to keep that stuff and make it your own as a couple. Some of it is not so good and you can choose, key word “choose”, to get rid of it. Then there will be some things that you can create new and fresh in your life as a couple that will be unique to your relationship!

This week we are going to discuss Marital Expectations as our subject of the weekly “Marriage Matters” webinar series. Whether we have been married one day, one month, a decade or a lifetime we are never too old in our marriage to make new determinations about how we want to live our lives together! Join us as we explore a great way to recharge our marriages!

You can register for the webinar series by clicking registration link below. Remember, if you can’t make the webinar times don’t worry, sign up any way! We record every webinar and send them out to everyone on our list whether you make the live broadcast or not! If this is your first one you will receive access to all of the previous webinars when you sign up as well! Here is the registration information;

Looks like the “Marriage Matters” webinar series is working for a lot of folks as nearly 70 couples are registered. This week’s subject matter about “Conflict Resolution” had awesome attendance and even more awesome questions from the participants. In fact we had more questions than we could get to so we will tackle the entire list and post the responses from Christie and Jim later on in the week.

For now, here is a link to the recording of the webinar and a downloadable copy of the PowerPoint presentation for your review! Thanks for your participation and support. Let us know how that “Fight Naked” technique works for you!

Blessings!

Click Here to listen or download the webinar recording and PPT slides!

As husband and wife, arguing and disagreements, even passionate ones, are inevitable. Show us a couple that never argues and we’ll show you a couple that has tons and tons of unresolved issues and a lot of unhappiness. What matters in a marriage, what can create a very healthy and vibrant marriage, is how we handle the day to day differences that are a part of a man and a woman living together in marriage!

This week’s “Marriage Matters” webinar will speak to some key insights and strategies that can help us all learn how to better handle conflict in a way that can actually strengthen our marriage and lead to increased satisfaction with each other and with our lives as husband and wife! None of us expect things to be perfect but we do expect that challenges will be met and dealt with in an effective and positive manner.

Join us this week, from 7:00pm to 7:30pm (CST), for the free “Marriage Matters” webinar as we tackle “Conflict Resolution” and share proven ways to make how we handle conflict a strengthening factor in our relationships!

To register for the webinar Click Here!
For all the details on the  “Marriage Matters” webinar series Click Here!

Remember … if you can’t make the webinar go ahead and register anyway! We will send everyone who registers a recording of each webinar along with the PowerPoint slides and the handout so you can review it on your own time as well as share it with others!

WOW! We can’t believe how fast each week comes around but it did and what a treat it was to be with you all again. Our subject this week was “communication skills”! What an important key this subject is to the success and health of every marriage. We could easily have done 3 hours of stuff about communication but in just 30 minutes you will find some great tips from Christie and her counseling background and then four communications warning signs from Jim to help us all see the danger signs before we get too deep in them.

Your homework for this week was to make a list of ten things about your spouse that you love, take some one on one time to share that list with them and then post them in the comments section of the blog at www.jacobus1010.wordpress.com, or on the Facebook fan page at Ten Ten Ministries – Marriage Matters. Take the time to do this homework … we promise it will bless you!

Here is the link to the Week 2 Webinar recording – http://www.screencast.com/t/rfirYECfm .

If you haven’t joined the Marriage Matters Webinar Series it is never too late! Each week we record the sessions and share them with all of those who have registered. Make one, make none or make them all we will still share with you the recordings and handouts so you can review them on your own time. To register for the series just Click Here and look for the registration link at the bottom of the page. We hope you join us because … Marriage Matters!

Jim & Christie Jacobus

Two Keys to a Happy Marriage